The Story of Baby #3

Sorry to have to do this to my many blog-reading friends, but this post doesn't have any pictures. I know, I know-- big shocker. I debated on whether or not to share this, but in the end I decided that it needed to be said. Sometimes it's better to open up and tell people what's going on in your life. 

So here it goes.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I haven’t said much about this pregnancy, and to be perfectly honest, I haven’t said much about it because it has been hard emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Physically it has been the easiest, but I truly think that is because there is an All-knowing Being who understands that I really do have limitations.

I’m a planner. Most people know that about me. I like things to work according to the plans I carefully make. Our timing with Connor wasn’t quite according to plans, but as it was our first pregnancy, we were instantly ecstatic over it. Evelynn – well, she was planned, and of course, we were thrilled with how promptly she stuck to those plans. You may assume baby #3 was planned as well, but let me crash that little illusion for you all right now --I can tell you with 100% honesty that I planned a much larger gap between Evelynn and baby #3 than there will be in July when this baby arrives.

Being a mother can be stressful at times, despite the joy it brings, and I’ve been pretty busy in the last year or so. Juggling school and mommy/wife duties is time-consuming, stressful, and exhausting. I’m sure (well, I guess I should say – I really, really hope) no one blames me for feeling that way. Even if that was all I had on my plate right now, it would probably make sense when I say that I felt strongly that a baby right now would not be ideal. Turns out, that was not the only thing on my plate,-- my stress levels only increased when at the end of October, my husband told me that he no longer believed in our religion, and didn’t want anything to do with it from that point on. As I sat there in heart-break, using my last willpower to hold on to some belief that everything would turn out ok, I really, really, didn’t think a baby anytime soon would be in the plans. Pregnancy makes me tired, stressed, sick, and I definitely don’t have that glow people talk about. I was already dealing with all those things without pregnancy, and a baby was really the last thing I could think of that would be beneficial for me.

If there is one thing I’ve come to understand throughout my life, it’s that my timing is not God’s timing, and He knows better than I, what I can and cannot handle. Baby #3 is just another little reminder of that fact.

With each one of my kids I had an immediate gut feeling that I was pregnant. With Connor, I had no idea why I felt that way and was sure I was crazy; with Evelynn, I was sure it had to be a coincidence; but this third time, well, they do say the third time’s the charm. I recognized it immediately, and boy, did I panic. I’m sure my husband thought I was absolutely insane. I kept insisting that I couldn’t handle a baby right now and was blabbering about how it wasn’t fair. He attempted to reassure me that I was overreacting; for a split second, I let his words calm my frantic heart. But deep down, I knew.

I waited a couple weeks to take a home pregnancy test, but I didn’t inform my husband of when I was planning to do it. During those couple of weeks we joked about how he would accept the blame if I really was pregnant, but I don’t think he actually expected me to follow through with that part. On November 12^th, the 3^rd anniversary of our temple sealing, I decided to take the test. When I looked at the results, I saw the big fat positive I had been expecting. I thought it wouldn’t have been a big deal to me since I had already known I would see the positive result, but I guess it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back; My heart started racing, I was panicked, and I began to pace around the room. I didn’t stop to think of an exciting way to share the news--I just pulled out my phone, dialed Caleb’s cell, and then left him a message yelling about how angry I was at him. And then, -- well, then I sat down and I cried. And I cried, and I cried, and I cried. I begged God to help me understand why I was being called to bear a load that I was sure I could not handle. After all, I was barely hanging on by a thread already. I was adamant that it was too much for me.

As I sat there in tears, I remembered that right before I sensed my pregnant gut-feeling, I had also sensed that Heavenly Father was telling me everything would be ok. At the time, I figured it was referring to my husband’s decision to leave our religion, but as I looked back at it, I realized that might not have been the only thing He was trying to comfort me about. I suddenly realized that although this baby was not on my time table, it was on God’s time table. He knows me and He knows the way to comfort me through my sorrows. Although it seemed strange that Heavenly Father would send me comfort in the form of the one thing I was very, very set on not happening any time soon, I accepted that maybe I needed to readjust my attitude a bit.

I wish I could tell you that I was super excited from that point on, but the truth of the matter is that it took me a while to come around. In the months that have passed since then, the excitement has grown little by little, but I have now reached the phase of joy. I have had to accept that I can’t always have things when I want them and I can’t always control what happens. I have also come to the conclusion that this baby will be a gift to us--one that will heal my aching heart if I let it. In a time where I felt my heart was breaking beyond repair, Heavenly Father sent me a Balm of Gilead in the form of a precious new baby to snuggle. Now all I have to do is wait for it. 

I know that this post may come across as very selfish and self-centered to anyone who has ever had to wait for a baby, or who may be still waiting, aching to hold a child. Who am I to be upset over such a precious gift? Who am I to be angry that I apparently am a fertile myrtle and can get pregnant without even trying? Believe me, I chastised myself many times over it. I know I should view these things as blessings, and that there are so many who would willing take my place. I pleaded with God to help me understand why I, of all people, would get another baby, when there were so many others more deserving at this time. I still don’t know the answer to that, but I do know that I have shed many, many tears for any and all my friends in that situation. I was filled with guilt over announcing this pregnancy because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. However, I have also poured my heart out to my God in hopes that I would be able to change my attitude towards this pregnancy, and to understand why this is the timing I needed. In recent weeks, I have decided that the best way for me to be positive about this pregnancy is to talk about it, rejoice in it, and learn from it. I'm going to be talking more about it from here on out, and I hope with all my heart that it will not hurt those that I care about. Also, I hope that this blog post will help anyone who sensed my negativity about this pregnancy understand why I felt as I did, and allow them to know that I am changing my ways for the better.

Much love to all,

Rebecca